Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Buying a House

Buying a house is a pain in the ass. And in games!

Things You Find in Your New House

  1. Ochre Jelly (Labyrinth Lord). A set of stone jars in the pantry were left behind. Open one up and the jelly coagulates out of them all, giving it a bonus to surprise.
  2. Yellow Mold in the crawlspace. Every day after moving in there's a cumulative 5% chance it eats through the floorboards.
  3. An old painting in the attic. It is the last image of Kendrul the Wise, deposed and exiled cousin of the current King. It is worth 3000 silver to a collector; it is also highly illegal. Treason is punishable by death or a life's service in the Penal Brigade.
  4. Vampire in the crawlspace. She is not hostile and does not seek to use the PCs as food. She will not pay rent, but otherwise seeks to simply turn into a mist, wander the streets at night in search of poetry and entertainment. She will become hostile if kicked out. Otherwise vampire hunters will track her to your home in 2d6 weeks.
  5. Deed to a modest holding in the Wild Lands, overrun by dinosaurs and feral halflings.
  6. Congress of cats held in your home's courtyard fortnightly. The cats bring dead animals and a few silver worth of trinkets, in a rare sign of feline thankfulness. Gods-bothering witch hunters will assume you are heretics and witches in 3d6 days; they're why the last tenants moved.
  7. 1000 silver hidden in a wall. I assume a PC was absently tapping for secret doors one night, when she couldn't sleep. In 2d4 weeks Archinal Zarunda, famous mercenary and possessor of a Steel Fist, will arrive to reclaim what he hid in the home. The previous owners agreed to keep this safe for him. Apparently.
  8. PCs cannot take a long rest after moving in due to a whispering voice that cackles to itself. It is coming from a wall. Inside, a skull clatters and jabbers to itself, recalling delving into the Underdark by way of the city sewage system. But it was beset by an enormous sword-wielding worm. Or wyrm? It can give directions if it is in hand, though it won't answer questions - it cannot hear. Sneaking with this out will be quite difficult, and wandering monster rolls should be more frequent. PCs can gag it but it'll spend the first turn ungagged complaining. 
  9. Door in basement leads to subbasement, subbasement leads to the Underdark. PCs find themselves in a gnomish village besieged by duergar. 
  10. Closet you just noticed contains a mechanical steam-or-magic-powered spider. The deed mentioned this closet contained 'lawn art by Dwun Dorn,' an inventor from the arid South. The machine won't do anything, but is both worth money and probably fixable, in Dorn's hands.

What Moved Into Your House After You Didn't Go Back for the Entire Campaign
  1. 3d4 anarchist squatters. They have converted most of the living spaces to pamphlet manufacturing. They're largely friendly (though the PC tendency to amass silver will be a turn off) but can become antagonists if asked to leave. Otherwise, royalists are going to be outside spoiling for fights a lot more often, and the PCs chances of treason-trials rise.
  2. More adventurers.
  3. 3d4 Royalists. They're looking for filthy anarchists and other people skirting the law. Your house seemed like it was for sale. Maybe. Just as the King rightly seized the Vale of Sun, so too have they seized your house.
  4. The bank has changed your locks and posted signs about vacant property being repurposed in the name of commercial development.
  5. A noble, trying to consolidate power against the King while laying low.
  6. Someone had broken in through the back and died in your kitchen. She clutches a small wooden box. It contains an Ioun Stone which seems to be biased in how it hovers; it always points to the northeast.
  7. Prison escapee. He was put in for selling Black Lotus and just wants to get the hell out of the city.
  8. Archinal Zarunda has turned your home into a flophouse / bar / permanent hungover semi-party. Sleep is impossible and officials will come by to try to enforce noise ordinances. However, if carousing can give XP, PCs who carouse should get some bonus to XP gained. Roll for carousing deeds and mishaps!


  1. Wow, that is a lot of crazy stuff in your new house! Just kidding, but that was a really fun read. I recently bought a house and it really does feel like all kinds of stuff pops up that you definitely were not expecting. I'm scare to even check the attic at this point!

    1. Hah, cheers! Good luck with the new place. Hopefully your attic is full of awesome heirlooms from prior occupants, and not just cobwebs and roach poops. I got the latter.